Concept.Not.

A tree falls as its life has been spent.

A child laughs

and I sit somewhere looking at your eyes…

Could it be that destiny follows us like ghosts

or could it be we are like fallen trees…

-miss x

Spicy sauce on a Hot Sunday.

I love southern black culture, its rawness and its cultural legacy is too immense to truly be captured in words because it’s a feeling, like a spicy sauce with many layers, some might say. The ever beating drum of the African ancestors is always present in its people, but this conversation I recently had, took me back some years ago and I didn’t capture it in written words back then, but here’s a short story from a hot Sunday in New Orleans.

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His old grandfather or “pops” took me to the side one day and said with his strong New Orleans accent, “now Maru, we need to take you out for a spin! Can’t be trapped all day with this sprung boy.” and I was like “sure, let’s go” and as we travel down the streets of New Orleans in his car, he starts telling me about his sweet past, “but don’t you tell my grandson this, he won’t like this, he’s already too attached to his grandmother. That boy is something else, I tell yah” and I shyly nodded… and he continues ”this one right here, the one we are picking up today, I loved her, she used to be a fine little thing, back then, but we are only friends and she makes the best pecan pie” and at this point, I’m just listening and taking it all in because I knew I’d never quite experience this again. On the sidewalk walks this old but pretty lady with big shiny eyes, dressed in her best church clothes and a big hat and looks straight at me “oooh, hi baby! How you doing?” in that familiar warm accent “Thanks, I’m doing alright and you?” and she says” oh this is a blessed day, dear one… you sure are a pretty one, guess the old man wasn’t lying after all” and I didn’t know what to say, but just smiled back at her, while they continuously made me laugh as they reminisced on the hardships in life during the 50s and old friends that had passed away.

For all it’s worth, he never liked me telling these stories to him because his image had been slightly tainted because his grandfather had never told him these stories first. On a personal note, his “pops” changed me forever, he gave me the grandfather figure I never had while growing up (my own had passed away early in life) and told me stories, that sometimes sounded more like blues tales than reality, but whatever the case was, they felt real. With this story, however, I also want to say that if there’s money in the United States for this Corona Virus pandemic, surely, they can find monetary resources for reparations for black people in America. I truly believe in all my heart that the USA has not dealt with its cruelty against its black people. The generation of his grandfather (and grandmother) survived Jim Crow, racist laws that were detrimental to the black community. Still through this, they survived and thrived culturally. At a different time, I might write about my connection to Louisiana, but that’s not today. Be safe yall and wash your hands lol!

-Miss X

Random dream Into Astral projection

So some weeks ago I woke up from this intense dream that left me completely in trance. I’ve had these kind of dreams before but this was different, I could smell the cologne, the buildings, the strong smell from the streets and the conversations they were having. I told my friend about this dream and she basically told me, it was an “astral projection” and that left me even more perplexed. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t necessarily know what astral projection means. Sure, I watched a movie some months ago that made me interested in the subject, but I wouldn’t even know how to start doing such a thing. Although I’m very much interested in metaphysics and other dimensions, I’m not quite sure that I know what I did. All I know is that I had a dream of my former lover in New York City. I don’t follow this person on any social media, I’m not even sure that they’ve been there in the first place, but what I do know, is that I felt a spiritual presence. I was basically walking next to him and he had on this blue shirt and had long hair. I saw taxis, a lot of movement, strong lights and lots of people. It felt intense and very much real. In the latter part of my dream (which of course I wrote down) I was sitting next to him and could hear the conversation he was having of me with a female friend. It felt surreal to say the least. They were laughing and I knew he was talking about me because she was teasing him about it. All of this could very much mean nothing, but for me, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me something. I’m not quite sure yet because I’ve been having strange dreams as of late. I’m navigating it all to see what may happen. Perhaps they’ll reach out? Who knows. All I know is that I’m buying a book on astral projection very soon…

-miss x

 

 

Almost 2020.

In two more weeks I’ll be in Berlin, celebrating the end of a decade and the end of so many different things. I’ll also celebrate the new decade, the growth and the re-birth that I’m creating in 2020. I very much feel that the 2020s will be my decade. If the 2010s was growing up, graduating high school and graduating from college and finally becoming an adult, I feel like this new decade will show me everything that I didn’t know in the 2010s. I’ve been to so many countries, cities and places in this decade that I can’t complain. I’ve done my share of crying, laughing and enjoying life too but as I start the new year, I’m looking for deeper connection, love, money and personal growth like never before. I know these things are coming and my career will become a big focus in my life. I also feel that love is closer to me than ever before. I can almost taste it. It feels like chocolate after months of not eating it or a great song you haven’t heard in a while. It’s exciting and mmm, so delicious. Love is truly beautiful and is inside of us but also in the shape of a relationship. I welcome this new relationship and our new goals in life.

Random: I had the most curious thing happen to me today, as I woke up from a dream of a lover that I haven’t talked to in some months, I noticed a very RANDOM text from a person with the same name and with the message “Twin Shadow!” and to make it even stranger they’re from the same city. It’s very strange indeed. Still not sure how to interpret it. The universe got JOKES! haha love it!

-miss x

 

 

 

 

Breaking free from toxic.

The last two months have been about real self-growth, but last night I just had this awful feeling in my chest after watching The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. It just felt wrong, I kept watching it because it intrigued me. But I knew that deep down, it was doing something to me that wasn’t positive. I’m all about receiving positive change since I’ve had some challenges recently and I’m not blaming this particular show. But this show and all these sad stories from the United States and the killing of innocent Jewish people at the synagogue just broke my heart… So, as of today I’m taking a short break from toxic environment which starts with Instagram. This is the first time, I’ve ever taken a break from Instagram since I created my account in early 2011, that’s over 7 years. I’m not really on Facebook, so I don’t feel the need to deactivate it, since I never sign in. Generally, I guess I’m craving new experiences in life and I know I’ll see new perspectives on the 14th of November, since I’m traveling to Paris…

I apologize if this post makes no sense to most but my thoughts are scattered and I need to write something. In the past self-growth has come with so much challenges, but now I feel so radiant and confident. Breaking free from toxic words, environments and people has been crucial in this journey that I’m in right now. Living in the now, means taking charge of whatever thought and feeling I have presently, instead of thinking of the past. Yet, in my dreams I’ve had recurring dreams of traveling and meeting people from my past and the future. It’s been a complete mindfuck, to realize how much love I’m willing to give to people and what I’ve given to people… Which is why I’m removing myself from negative toxic. It’s time to cleanse in order to get better results and grow more radiant. Whatever is true will always come back that’s my belief on it.

On another note, I’ve been dealing with temptation, that is not serving me at all. These emotions are not going anywhere and it can only cause drama… So, I’ll see it as another way of breaking free from old toxic.

-miss X

Meeting. Part1.

Of my looks and my face, I have little to say. I looked really tired, after 18 hours of traveling, you can’t really look great – even if you are Naomi Campbell. Minutes, after I got off the plane – I hid myself in the restroom. For some strange reason, I thought he’d be there. I wanted to look my best, yet there was a sense of fear with the reunion.  As if, I’m not hard on myself already, this felt like a math test going wrong. Manically, I start washing my hands and putting on some lip-gloss I had found in my DKNY bag. I remembered, he liked my big lips, but would he like the way I looked?  I decided he would just have to deal with it, because I love myself and I wouldn’t want to change for nobody. The days, when women would work out and wear underwear only to appeal men; is as unappealing to my generation of women – as asparagus is to most people I know. When I finally picked up my luggage, it seemed to me that he was everywhere.  A black man in a military uniform started looking at me and smiled, I coyly looked away.  I start panicking, so I decide to text him before my phone eventually dies. He calls to say, they’re a bit lost but they’ll be there in 10 minutes. I ask him politely about this other person, while I feel slightly annoyed. I ponder on the idea, why he would bring a friend. I am ultimately saddened, that I wouldn’t be seeing him privately for the first time in 2 years.

I tell myself to breathe in… I start getting nervous again, then bored… I tend to get bored, when I wait for too long. Then suddenly, a man of Latinx descent looks at me. I assume, he was looking, since I was hiding behind a trashcan. Not a smart idea… Then finally, I see him from the distance. Yes! I had spotted him, for the first time in our long adventure. He looked different. His hair and body built, was much more different. I guess he hadn’t missed a meal, but I was attracted.  It felt as if a string was pulling him into me, while our eyes locked and seemed to serenade for about half a minute. He suddenly pulled me tightly (I couldn’t breathe) and gave me a sloppy kiss. I looked at him again. I felt his hard-on. Made a joke. But I didn’t feel the same sexual attraction….

Until I felt his scent… Oh, what a divine smell.  To most it probably smells: like a combination of expensive British cologne, his natural scent and pure masculinity. Again, that last part might just not actually exist. My generation*, does tend to not put labels on anything – although, we all secretly do it, when we put each other in these non-categorized categorizations…

– Miss X

Generation in this case, refers to the children born in the 90’s, growing up in the noughties (00’s). Who are now adults in the 10’s.

31DEC14

I am sitting here in my parents comfortable sofa in Sweden, during the holidays while I write this last post – on the last day of the year. It has indeed been a very interesting year. I’ve grown so much within myself and learned so much about others, that I truly believe that I’m in a new cycle of my life. I’ve often written about feeling renewed or “feeling better”, but I truly believe that moving to London, to continue my studies and graduate in 1 year and a half, was meant to be. I haven’t felt so good in my own skin, for almost three years. I thought I had spent my youth on useless things, but in fact – I have so many riches, that others don’t. This doesn’t mean that everything has been positive these past months, but rather that I’ve gained experience that have made me stronger (as cliche as that sounds). My life has passed by very fast at times, and other times much slower. I sort of feel like I have the same timing, as David Lynch’s famous Twin Peaks series. At times very interesting and other times, uninteresting and actually quite boring, yet it reveals some sort of mystery that I had no idea was underneath there.

(Photo taken by me, back in May, earlier this year – while I was reading Edgar Allan Poe in Barcelona) 

(I spent many days in hotels, looking for permanent flats in London.I also kept myself busy by reading and exploring the wonders of England…)

This year, I have lived in Barcelona, Sweden and London and I’m still only in my early 20s. To think, that most people only live in one city or town their whole life, is the same reason – that I am thankful for my parents and my love for the unknown. Sure, I haven’t been madly in love like I thought I would this year, but it doesn’t matter because I am true believer, that it will come when I don’t expect it to. I don’t pursue matters of love, because in some ways I have learned that it is a way of desperation – that I feel is not part of my identity. I very much believe in love, oh that sweet, longing feeling for another human being, but it shouldn’t feel desperate. What you show to the world, is what you will receive. At least, that’s why I think of such things. I guess my love affair, is with the world and the answers that are out there in the vast space of the unknown. Cities like London, are created for people that are looking for fun times in a fast pace. It is indeed an amazing city. I can’t wait to go back soon.

The human brain and different sort of emotions, has really gotten me thrilled this year, because I’ve learned to understand and deal with so many strange individuals. Yet, I feel so enriched by it, in some strange way. Creatively, I’ve challenged myself to the limits the last 4 months. Did I ever think I would write a script for a short bio film project in two days? Most likely not. Neither did I think, that I would be taking professional modeling photos, or singing in a professional studio setting and actually be chosen out of 400 people.  I love living intensively and doing what I love most, which is to create. I also worked my ass off, in University creating all sorts of different projects, from fashion writing projects to creating my own graphic design magazine. It all boils down to the same inspirations, which is curiosity and the will of wanting to explore human emotions and what makes us feel alive.

(Regent’s Park a beautiful September morning, close to my University. I literally walked around the Park twice with high heels that day, eventually I just took a taxi and went to my hotel. Funny times.) 

Other news that were really exciting, was to finally know my complete ancestry. I will write more about that some other day.

Ultimately, I wish myself and the world – more love, compassion, creativeness and happiness!

Oh, and the best album of this year, IMO opinion was D’angelo’s – Black Messiah album.

Red hair, black hair, brown hair? It was the year of exploration.  I also made some really delicious vegan plates, more on that next year.

xx

Goodbye 2014 and welcome 2015!!

Miss X

He ran off to India, to find God… I sat by myself looking for mystery…

At this very moment, I’m sitting quietly – trying to grasp the idea that I wont be seeing him anymore. He is officially gone. Not in the sense of him actually being dead, but rather beyond of that notion – the idea of sitting with someone and conversate with them in your dreams. That’s the idea; that is dead. I was always looking for mystery with him, because the way I saw him – he was my mirror. The one that I saw myself reflected within. Honestly though, it might have been the idea of looking for mystery – that intrigued me. I don’t know. Anyways, he ran off to India, to find God…I was appalled, almost; as if a part of myself had died. Did we really need this? Wasn’t music our God? Or the arts for that matter? I think he is rather selfish. I would never say this to him though. I wouldn’t dare to do it; because that would only mean – that I would have to go places, I’m not comfortable with. So I sat by myself looking for mystery… Not knowing when it would re-appear again. I miss my friend. If we ever were friends, that is… 

 

– miss x 

(Fiction/truth? what is in this world?)

My Birthday in Barcelona!

 

So a year has gone and all of a sudden it’s my birthday again, and once again, I look back at the past year and realize that I’m a year older. Years are only numbers that we count to realize that we are not stagnant in time. A wise person once said, that it’s not how old you are but how old you feel, that makes the difference. Certainly I’m a year older, but as I look at myself, I feel refreshed and renewed because it’s a year with new beginnings and I’m still quite young. Small things that might have mattered some years ago, like gifts and other material things seem somehow distant, when I’ve started to understand the importance of true honest conversations about life, rather than petty material things, that I will have forgotten about in a week or so. Last year was a year I will always remember as I traveled and saw pyramids in Mexico and scuba dived in the beautiful island of Roatan outside of Honduras. There’s beauty in the unknown and I will continue to discover that wonder through the eyes of a child, because only then do I seem to appreciate the small ordinary things I enjoy in life.  This is the first time in my life that I have not celebrated my birthday with my family and as I celebrate my birthday in a new country and a new city, I look back at memories that I created when I was younger.   Although I’m thinking about the past, the present is quite pleasant as I’m creating new memories and interesting conversations.  Barcelona is certainly growing on me, as I continue discover the diversity of the city.

 

Mojitos and Mexican food always somehow make me talk pseudo deep.

– Miss X

Erasing the past.

This romantic era art piece, embodies the way I feel right now. It’s called the wanderer above the sea of the fog by German painter Caspar David Friedrich. I think that this time period describes perfectly the strong emotions I’m going through, be that through music, art or poetry. 

My heart is still haunted by the past and it clings to the notion of lost love, where abrupt bittersweet sadness empowers my days. It hides away in the strangest of forms and reveals itself through dreams and nightmares and at times it drives me mad, because I’ve walked this walk of life before. To erase the past is not as simple as one might think it is, because it requires to wanting to let go of memories, smiles and expressions, yet such things are the hardest to forget. The things that caressed my memory for months and even years, have now been put in a locked casket away from my subconscious in the dark aisles of sadness in my brain. The fulfillment of waking up with a smile next to me is now a long gone memory, where there’s no desire of reconciliation. Yet tenderly his ideas live deep within my soul, in a place that nobody knows still exist and the lonely nights when I would try to escape reality are now reveled to me. Like a sweet haunting melody it follows me through the days and I cannot reject it, because it’s the love I’ve always dreamed of. He doesn’t need to be near me nor does he need to love me, but my visions of him cannot be taken away from me. I’m lost in the imagery of love and to me he was love, so to even begin the removal of such a beautiful thing cannot happen so rapidly. It might be Aprils fool day, and while my heart has been fooled by the man I so loved, this cruel joke has shaken my existence and cannot be replaced.  The one carrying a mask is nobody else but myself, because I cannot lie to myself any longer. I’m changed forever and the joker is gone, but a song by Debussy will calm me down once again.

It’s strange to understand how someone feels, when they’ve lost the love of their life. It’s not about an ego thing for me and I wish it could be at times, because I could simply move on to someone else to fulfill my egoistical tendencies.  To erase a life I shared for 2 and half years isn’t as simple as I thought it would be, I’ve moved on in many ways but to kill the light of hope is the hardest. The man I thought was ideal to me, is no longer with me and has no desire to come back to me. I had no hope of getting back with him as of right now, because there are many things that need to fall into place but I had always wanted the future to be open for a reconciliation.  I’m a wanderer though and this gives me inspiration and strength to keep going on with my life. He is the muse to my art and I’m still mesmerized by his simple mystique that was shortly revealed to me during the time I met him.

/Miss X